heaven has beem crying fer the whole day..

and i know why.. cos heaven finally realise the degree that people are feeling in this world... where is tthe love?? where is the love in this world.?? i wondered where did it go??

hmm...
i duno wad youa re thinking that contradicts yourself and lie through your teeth to my mummiee.. but all i know i see tears and agony out from my mummiee..wad did she do to let you have this damn excuse to break her heart... were all those tears fake?? all the tears you claim to cry cos of my mummiee??she is HURTING cos of the promises you made that you left it broken...please... i know you know that you are wrong... but please dun claim that you love her wholeheartedly... dun dun... please... it just too wrong to say that anymore.. i see those precious tears of hers stream down her cheeks.. i can say that the pain she is feeling is pure... and her heart is trampled by you!!she took time and effort to open up and she did with all her might to pull herself up and look!! she did it fer?? one reason... you know it the best... i have been there to see... i know wad's going on... it hurts me to see her cry like that when you PROMISED that you will not hurt her and not let her drop a tear of sorrow... but joy... let me say this... you are wrong... i think you cant do it.. you dun have the limit to do it too... you dun!!! other people out there that will treat my mummiee better and let her feel safe.. cos you just cant keep up to a certain promise... you cant at all...
behind the strong front is a weak and tired heart with broken and mended wings..
you came and mend it bac with words and promises and love.. but you know why my mummiee say that your words are not able to trust??? cos you just PROVED her right bout you and OTHERS right bout you...

hmmm... bloggin agian.. on the 2nd days of CNY..

later.. my er gu ma and two kor kor is coming.. geee... around 3 plus..

den we going to yu sheng!!!![my dear is going to eat wif her relatives too but she cant eat .. :( ] at 6 plus in a club.. dun wad club wad resturant.. and i dun like eating it at all... eeEeeEee

haas... yupp.. cant sleep well.. duno wad's on my mind... yupp.. haas...
yupp.. guess cos i have been sleeping too much and eating too.. going to be a pig soon... -oink oink-

geee... i looked at my mock examination paper... and i'm having a paper on valentine's day... damn happening can... VALENTINE'S day... and that's like so 'cool' to have to go back to school fer an hour plus plus just to take a paper... haas...

and i am going to start whining bout my hair!! -squeals-
geee... it is like damn damn irritating.. cos when i woke up..
it seem to be all standing.. haas..
kies.. gonna stop here bout the hair thingy... if not ppl gona slap me to ask me to shut up. [jking]

can wait to go out and eat yu sheng.. i'm not going dere fer the yu sheng{as a matter of a fact, i dun like the taste of yu sheng}.. but cos i have too and to see my baby niece... yupp.. can play wid her... hees.. we shall see bout playing wid her.. cos when i saw her during her 1st month is thatshe is damn puny.. and dey were all saying dat she is just like me when i was young.. i was "huh??? wad??"

now it is raining.. hmmm.. such a nice weather to sleep.. gee...
going to sleep soon again... really seeing myself to become a pig...

dere is like 2 things i gotta do...:
is...
1st... stop eating so so much!!!!
2nd.. my hair to grow back fast!!! real fast.. i cant take it le... :(

hmmm.... talking to my dear now...

hmmm.. been one week le...

to me... was a pretty long week fer me...
cos 3 days neva met her... and i was so worried... that when i managed to see her... yuppp.. suppose to see her... and be happy... but when i see her... instead my heart aches... i dun wanna recall the tears that flowed down.. she better dun do it anymore...

yuppp...
i duno why it isnt been a good week fer her... cos she just wouldnt want to tell me
-cries-

hmmm.. miss her though.. really miss her.. till i want to cry... ahh... iLu*

anyway... when i went to my da jiu place...

hmm...and and...it was pretty fun cos i bored till i went mad to wid my cousin... haas... like jiggling bout the little things tad's happening around us...

so we are little mad.. was pretty fun.... yupp.. stayed there bout 4 hours and i am really tired...

tomorrow my er gu ma comin my place in the afternoon den at night going to resturant to eat raw fish...

anyway... i am like really bored.. really really bored..!!!

ah.. bleahs...

my kor kor and his wife and my father's elder sister [ i call her da gu ma]

are late!!!

an hour and seven minutes late!!!

hmm..

since it is CNY.. i wont moodswing..

unless someppl or some events really made me mood swing..

i really really really want my hair to grow back faster.. damn... i cant take my hair like tad..

my father is like yaking yaking bout it... and the way he yaks..
it is getting on my nerves...
bleahs... cant take it le.. wadeva...

den later at 3.. i got to do to my da jiu jiu's place fer gathering.. damn... my hair!!!!

they are goonna talk.. hmmm..

now is like 11.15am... and.. they are still not here...well... so much fer time management.. they always tell me bout that..

anyway. i'm blasting my music ...

and they did not say anything...

phew...

or maybe they want to say something.. but...

but... cos it is CNY...

co i think dey dun wanna bother bout me..

okay... bleahs.. let's talk bout yesterday... hmmm... went out.. did not go school fer a total of 3 days le.. cos of the damn hair...it is like so short on mon.. that all is like standing. so.. ya... i stayed at home.. praying that my hair will grow fast.. -prays- never had so so damn short hair fer a 123456789845212 time.. and 1stly i'm not used to have so short hair.. and i'm hoping that it will grow back fast fsat.. if not i will definately kill nic.. [ count my word fer dat :)] den yesterday at fast east...met loads of ppl.. yupp. though some is really unexpected... damn.. felt damn irritated...

well..well...i think i'm damn unhappy bout my hair...every very unhappy bout my freaking hair.. damn...

listening to PIMP.. and i guessi'm blasting it too loud.. cos i cant even hear my phone beep... bleahs... nic send me a message going somethng like tad.. ' hey bao bei, happy CNY.. stay cheerful.. etc..' i replied this.. i would be happy if my hair grows back fast.. bleahs... sorry ah.. it was mean of me.. :( -sobs*2-

and dey all here le.. yupp...

my parents are like damn fake.. super fake.. laughing and joking....

it is CNY already... and yupp...

it is 10.20am.. and i'm awake.. surprise surprise...

but.. my kor kor and his wife is not here.. bleahs... cheat my feelings.. if not i wouldnt wake up so early...

ahhhh.........

thousgh it is the new year.. i still got to comment bout my damn hair..

like was the....

i hATE it!!!

i cant wait fer it to grow back.. really grow back.. i hope but the end of the month it would be at least longer...

cos my hair is seriously getting really irritating...

BIG TIME!!!


and no especially it is damn black...

cos i have to dye it.. :(

and i really hate my hair.. :(

it better grow back fast...

cos i really wanna kill myself becos of the irritating hair....

ahh...i'm bloging.. though it is a damn lame time to blog.. but nevr mind.. it is CNY eve.. and i'm blogging...

da most lame thing is that my renuion dinner only lasted 15 mins..

den we went to do our things..

bleahs.. wad dinner is this.. damn weird..

everyone just shut up at the dinning table...

and eat..

ahh...

wadeva...

den now my mother is watching tv,

i'm blogging,

father is in the room and i duno wad the hell is he doing..

brother is in the room playing the com..

maid is in her room slacking..

den i duno wad to say.. to make tem talk..

actually suppose to go china town one..

though i said i dun wanna go cos it is like damn crowded...

but they insisted..

den i change den dey dun want le..

wadeva..

i miss...

my hair!!!

ah...

fish!!!

hmm... tomorrow my big kor kor is coming wid his wife and my father's elder sister.. at 10am!!! and i have to say all the happy new year thingy.. bleahz...

got to wake up early..

if not my parents are gonna scream!!!

papa... i am happy that you daddy is back.. one big family is one again.. hapy ya.. can see tad youa re.. yupp... smile...

happy CNY everyone...

okay.. now is like early in the morning.. cos my father totally went screw lose and puch my door so damn loud and hard.

FUCK!!

i've changed out to my uniform and now!!! like this!! they left without me!! gee... wateva.. by the time i go to school i would be darn darn late.. like who the hell are they to like dat lorz.!! think they will bound to ground me at home...

anyway.. with hair like dat and colour of the hair like dat... it is a ganeratee[duno how to spell] that i will get kill plus screwed. like e wad hell.. i'm like pretty fuck up now!

suc an interesting way to start of the day... by actually getting so called skinned by father... sooner or later thingy... bleahs... like wateva shit! i feel damn screwed up..
now in my uniform blogging at home.. want to sleep but dare not to.. later my dad send me to school i willl be so so screwed up! means tomorrow i got to go to school.. bleahs..

it's half day tomorrow
and i think i gotta go to school?? wadeva shit fer..
fuck!i totally hate this life... like totally can... damn damn...
my father
is sure gonna skin me when he is back...

cos last night...i came home late.. bout 10 plus ..
cos i went to SGH.. to see someone..
den when i came back he was like telling me not to bian naughty and all those..
i was like.. huh??
please lorz... as a father you dun even want to try to listen to your daughter..
wad else can you give her??
money only.. tad's your way of parental love wad.. isnt it...

F**K...
i duno wad am i suppose to do now can.. like really wad am i suppose to do now!!
ah...
like dots..
dere are things tat need to settle
and think my father will be home early...
and if her dun see me at home.. sure gonna say i skip school..
wanna see the teacher and crap la...
just tat no one would be able to stand such a life..

isnt it so..?? the world is cruel which actually causes things to change and to hurt the person... i hate to say that..
but isnt life unfair..
it is..
but i am so use to life unfair that i just wana give up..
i wanna kill myself and surrender to death...
hope he wouldnt come back with all the shit and scream at me...
and wad am i suppose to do..
i will confirm cry one...
cos the degree of my dad screaming at me is as bad as taking something and knocking against my head...
that bad.. to me la...

so like wad the hell should i do now?? sleep?? or go to school??
but i need to so to the doc to get my mc.. and dye my hair black back...

okay fine..i'm blogging again..

anyway... i simply hate my life now... yupp. things are in a turmoil and that includes my hair.. like FUCk... gee... so now i have to clip my hair with clip to look better and more 'girl'

da start of 2004 i cried badly.. anyway.. damn badly... cried every night till i hate myself and wanna kill mymyself.. parents always claim that dey understand.. but sorry they dun.. dat's why i am not going to put any effort into actually opening up to them anymore.. cos they just seem so cold towards my brother and i.. any this is CNY and i cried last night wid the effect of having a damn screwed up hair wid a damn screwed up life and left in a pretty bad shape... but no one knows.. maybe some do..

let me reocunt..
i cried on my birthday.
i cried on of the day in monks.
i cried on christmas eve.
i cried on christmas day.
i cried on the 2nd of christmas.
i cried on new year eve.
i cried on new year day.
i cried on the first day of school.
i cried on the first and second week of school.
tad was how bad my year has been..
wid the continuous of it.

this week.. hasnt been a okay week.. everyone [almost] are not feeling okay and good.. i miss my mummiee alot.. [ i hope she knows] and i miss wawa too..
hmmm...without you all i feel damn weird...

mummiee.. you dun have to feel bad of being imperfect.. know why.. to count who is more imperfect i guess i would be the one. cos you are always the one that seem so strong.. and there fer us too.. mummiee.. wouldnt you let your nu er* be there fer you?.. i really hope i can be there fer you.. no one is perfect in this world.. if there are perfect people. there wouldnt be mistakes in this world.. i miss you and i really do.. love you too..

that's fer my mummiee...

CNY is coming.. not in the mood to celebrate too.. who sould be in the mood too.. tell me... no one i guess.. hmm.. actually not. is only me i guess...bleahs...cos the day is like a drag...though it seem as if it is like it travels so so fast..

anyway... i hate this life.. my line got service problem!!! fuck la.. only can resume at the end of this week.. cos they need to check some stupid service.. idiot.. tad really made my day!! need to get a temporary card!!! damn!!! fuck!!!!

wad to say now..

i HATE my hair and everyone is talking bout my new hairstyle that look like a 'A'.
nic.. i really wanna kill you.. never mind la .. the hair will grow back.. soon i hope...
pretty soon.. if not tongues will wag..

guess i'm like going to not go school fer the rest of the week.. due to my hair and due to the irirtating person tad is so called 'yuan yang'.. FUCK!! she is complainig bout my hair.. i told her tad i hate my hair n it really sux.. but she still have to say.. say and say and say till i cant take it and decided to go home at the 2nd period of the school day.. that was how bad my day is.. and that makes me HATE the bloddy school even more...

i really really really hate my hair... so So s0 much!!! like wad the!!! damn....
my form teacher say i look punk.... my mother too.. the rest the reaction is like damn damn big..

anyway. i duno today will be a good day.. cos early in the morning got scold bout that damn hair. i regreted cutting my hair... :(

back to my it feel so right so wrong logic...

[when it comes to love, it is just like that stars. it's never ending. but sometimes when it comes to listening to your heart.. people say tad listening to your heart is right.. but to me.. it is grey. cometimes listening to your heart actually brings you pain.. it feels so right.. but in actions it is wrong.. how contradicting emotions can be..]

well..well.. i am pretty tired but i also duno why i am able to wake up so early..
bleahs.. damn ... now only 10.00am.. but i am like freezing.. -sniff sniff-

sniff... yesterday i saw her.. at esplanade... the club..[you know which one yea]well.. i did not dare to look at all.. i was pretty scared.. i duno why.. but i saw her.. wadeva fer... but only i know... den she called me... when i'm going home... wth.. all alone... with 4 missed calls... hmmm... darn... i'm losing it again... losing it..
ah... cant.. cant take it.... i'm losing my grip...

later.. i'm going to town... den i hope i would be okay.. going to get something... actually to walk around... cos like now.. i seriously need to walk around..cos i predict that things are going turn around the table..by monday.. trust me. i hate tat feeling though..

oh... when i review my blog.. i wanna say something.. JIA WEN!!! thanks fer that long long doggy chain. well.. wad's wrong wid you..?? you look damn shagged.. really damn shagged..are you dat stressed..?chill gal... learn to relieve stress... had not seen the smile :) on your face dat much.. hey... i like to see ya smile... so smile more...

im sitting here.. reading through my blog..
thinking through wad the hell i'm doing currently...
am i taking the wrong path down today..??
is the path down easy to walk???
is dat my wrong choice...???
or it is my wrong choice...??
see.. i cant even make up my damn mind!!
tad's show's how useless i am.
dun say i'm not to you all..
to me it is crap now.
i keep inside me. no one can forced it out from me.
cos i chose to SHUT UP and BEAR all the shyt tat life wanna brings.

sometimes... i yearn not to feel anymore being a 'lifeless emontionless' person... just living on this wrong.. and the main purpose is to past by life.. but too bad.. i really cant... at the moment. maybe next time... anyway.. i want to cute my hair.. short short.. den my yeh yeh [03]... owe my a cap!!!! ah!!!! den got my pants and big shirt.. den.. yeah. dat seem to be damn cool!! haas... you know wad i mean..?

think i'm doing retarded things again.. oh no.. but it seem that i am going to pierce my ear today.. but pierce where???which ear and where??? see la.. so darn confusing...

tomorrow got school... and bleahs... tomorrow is the day i think that will cause havoc in my life.. soon..

not to do wid anyone... but with church ppl....

i really HATE them. first controlled my life.caused hurt in my life.made me feel darn left out.dun give me the choice to choose my frens.now they are coming to my place to talk to my parents.fuck off!!!!!cant you all just leave me all alone!still remember you say i'm not allowed to talk to guys!!cos of some damn temptations. (guys=temptations?)oh pls. i'm a crook!! dun you think that logic is wrong.such a screwed and lame excuse to blame me. dey like me also my fault. okay. next time if you all get married also your fault. damn.. i dun even bother to be straight. so you all dun have to like that. when i heard that i laughed. damn darn hard. you all seem so upright. but i think that sometimes..it doesnt seem so at all.[ i know.. cos look at wad you have done to me] so just leave my life alone and fuck off.
i now that it is wrong to balme.. but who else to blame than you all.. all the scoldings and me unable to answer back and admit all that it's wromg though i did not do it. as usual wad's new.. look at me.. dis how you all made me into.. the pain in me.of course you cant see it.. cos you all are the orgin.. the orgin to life's pain last year. i cried everyday. you say you love us?didnt you all just shove me aside and act nice but i heard evrything on the phone when you forgotten to hang up. backstabbing. see . i knew it and i heard it. backstabber and out to hurt my feelings. i wouldnt forget wad you all said to me..

i will not bear hurt and offences from other people den this bunch of people. the rest i'm okay and chilled with dem..but the rest.. i'm sorry.. i WOULDNT and DUN INTEND to forgive you all! i rather BEAR
bear all the hatred in me! cos it wouldnt make me suffer but it would remind me of how scheming you all are.

actually .. i'm darn tired and in the M.I.A mood..

bleahs.. tad's how i feel.. but if i M.I.A ... i think i would have killed myself or something.. i closed my ear hole cos it was like damn pain... but i'm serious.. that i will go pierce agian cos i need anger managment...

sometimes...
it's so right yet so wrong.. cos it weight on resposiblities in life..

-eyes are shuttingp- lack of sleep ...