hmm.... den tad entry is not bout you. yupp. so no worries kies..

i slept at 4 plus and woke up around 9 as i woas awoken by a call..

ate medicine and slightly have some voice back..

but...
...
...
i dun feel better in anyway or in any place..

ate dinner and tad plate of food can actually make me think..
guess tad's how much i love to think and think and think..
you wanna talk bout it ..??
okay i will..
it crumbles me and i am afraid..
but i have to.
in order to move on.
in order to find myself back..

i told my mummiee before. i feel so so small tad i can protect myself anymore..
tad i'm powerless. like a porcupine tad actually has it's thorn ripped apart from it's flesh..

you are the one tat made me smile . [ i've told ya]
but you are the one that makes me cry now..
wad you want..?
cos i'm just a toy in life..
i am one.. and always will be one..

to my mummiee..
miee. mummiee.. -whines out loud- know you are sick dats why you did not pick us from school.. never mind de.. it's okay.. school as bad though..was super duper looking forwrd to see ya.. but you sick..so it okay.. i was pretty worried fer ya..
luckily you went to seea doctor..
if not i will be super worried..
papa too..
and i really miss you though i always say it on the phone.. or on msg..

i suddenly feel tad life is a whole big trick...
tad tricks you to do things you will not be expected to do..
tad tricks you to feel to things tad you never want to...
tad tricks you in falling down and hurting yourself..
tad tricks you into hating yourself more and more at your most vulnerable time..

sometimes when you need time to think and run away..
you cant.. cos the ppl that cares fer you will be really worried..
but little dey know how does it feels in your shoes..
cos they see things from their own point of view...

but aint i not allowed to say anyting bout it... so i shall just stop here..

hmm.. today is the sat.. yupp..
....and i totally lose my voice... TOtALLY!!....
if anyone hear my voice..
guess dey will understand da pain.. - sob sob-

anyway..
went down to monks and the place not even happening.
the usual ppl are not dere anymore.. due to school reopening..-cries-
guess everyone just stop coming.. and weird ppl came and dance pretty weirdly too...
[ cant say them, cos i was not in the mood to dance at all.. so i also dance like an weird person]

something i gotta to express...
wad is there to explain bout 'us'??
were there a 'us' in the first place..?
cos aint i just some toy and some emotionless freak that is made out of stone or metal..??
i'm made out of flesh!!
i have feelings and i feel all the times..
wad you say were just purely saying fer da sake of it..? isnt it??
i gotta to express it out...
it's not like we cant sommunicate but it really takes time to open up!! and i told you...and when i'm ready you just shut me off.. but why would you wanna appear dere at the tme when i really dun wanna see ya..?? and wid someone else..? tears were going to flow out.. but i controled and said this dat..?? are this tears worth it?? but my mood was dampened by it...

{ i hate e way u made me feel..}
[ i hate e way u made me fall..]
{ i hate e way u slashed my heart..}
[ i hate e way u say i'll hurt more.]
{ i hate e way u say i'll be happier wid someone else.. but how would you know..?}
[ i hate e way u say im not worthless but u made me feel worthless even more..]


so here i am..
stoning..
let me recap..
i am not in my best mood..
lost my voice..
lost my sense of exisitance in tis weird world..
especially i saw something i wasnt prepared to see..and it hurts..
merely a few sentences make can make me crumble.. lucky i hold on to myself.
everyone was hoping fer a good year in 2004 and guess wad..??
some are really happy [i'm happy fer ya] but some...
are not.. some feel f**ked up, screwed up,worthless, like crap...
but guess we have one thing in common is to be happy in life..

i feel like i'm like so so close to ruining my life..
but the fact is i cant ruin my life cos my brain will overload..

tears in my eyes ran dry...
da tears in my heart keeps on overflowing.
even da pain cant be curb by self denying..
sometimes in my life da sun refuse to shine..
i cant forget aything..
it's bugging me..
but ... ... ...
da worse thing if all ...
is..
...
my heart wouldnt stop beating... and i 've to try to continuing living..
to cope wid da pain and all da agony..

now my dad is like listening to all the love song crap and he was arguing wid me and getting the stuff fer school lata..
bleahs..
i duno..
a new year.. brand new start..
da start of running a race wid no ending of escaping..

finally... blogger is okay.. yupp... new year.. 2004.. tmr i gotta go to school..


on the first day of new year.. i criedt know wad.. my heart is still hurting... due to internal factors...

and my brain is bombing wid all the thoughts i have in me... tad's me.. thinking is my lifestyle..

and i am right... life brings us pain and agony to let us to be afraid to try anymore.. i want to fly but i'm scared to try... when i'm opening up myself.. i got shut off... though it hurts so so much... but i resent to my life that life is like tad.. that it is unfair...

and i really doubt i'll smile again.. i will.. but it seem like it will be a long time that i'll open up to someone new... too risky.. cos i tried and i got back a very damn bad response..

how i hope it is a brand new start... how i wish... but i was wrong... i was in tears and the ppl who knew were few... the ppl who knew the pain were few... but ... i hope that life would be okay.. it'll cos i have my familiee and me to make life better...

dere's always a rainbow aft a storm.. keep looking fer the ray of light.. i hope i can find it back in me...

i'm like damn retarded fer this moment.. yupp... at home and i cant believe that i'm home.. like HOME!! ~woohooo~ -knocks to my head- something is like real real wrong in me... yupp.. tomorrow is the last day of year 2003... and year 2004 is coming... a brand new start i hope.. i really hope.. like hope ... anyway i hope that things will definatly work out fer me..

2004... a year full of stess!! a year that i'm havin o's... and like their are really any thign to do that i've left undone this year... like killing some ppl.. i really should have made their life a living hell [ mummiee think you know who hor..] but i did not and actually stood by their side in dark moments.. fine fine!! like so so the wadeva... how am i suppose to contain my anger or my hatred towards them! f****r!!!

de tomorrow have programmes on?? -think think- hmmm... no lor.. dun even think i can go down fer countdown and i bet that monks drink will be expensive like christmas eve. $18 per bottle. and really really really i hope and do love to go down adn party!! but it depends on if i can go out or not.. -sob sob-

why can you church ppl just leave me alone!!! and bug me so so much... i HAVE MY OWN LIFE to live!!! that's why i feel darn pressurize by al of your nonsense!!!

cant you just leave me alone in peace and let me have a peaceful life ahead...?? know you all are dissappointed in me in the things i've done!but that's my life.. i'm not fitted into that so call big family of urs.. and i doubt i will ever be. so i plead to you all dat i can just live my life peacefully and let me be who i am now...

i feel happier and not tied down.. the pressure you gave me to grow and to do well was unbearable and plus the pressure i have on myself... it is totally driving me to the edge of my lifeline! you all know things fast and really fast.. i duno why and i duno how.. it just seem that my life isnt my life anymore... it's like being watched by you guys.. and tad feeling really really sux BIG time... i controlled and supress the feeling cos i thought that everything will be okay and that i will be happy.. but it seem to bring me loads of pain and tears to let me to become who i am now..

but i thank you all fer teaching me the ways of life and i'm glad that i have learnt it.. you all taught me bout how i can make my dreams come true... but ... everything is just too too much..

bleah.. i woke up damn damn early today like 9 plus!!! shoot!! cos my papa wanted to go training but ended up she complained that she is tired so did not go in the end..cos she say that she is tired... ahh!!! like... blahs. i woke up fer her to wake her up.. yupp...


as each day pass.. it just seem closer to the date of 2 jan.. den... den.. den.. going to school!! AH..... like so damn damn not in the studying mood.. really not in the mood to study.. the mark of school reopen is the mark of the end of hoildays.. -cries- sob sob.. really stupid to go to school can... but got o's so is like i have to study can..
i dun wanna study!! -whines- forget it la!!! i still have to go to school is like a nature's order.... if not i will be really dead!! loads if trouble if i dun go.. [kies i will quit whining and complaining]

hmm.. to yer.. know you wanna go away... hmm.. though dun wanna you to go away... but never mind.. if you do... i will be sad la... but i may be going away too.. so like forget it la... all i think is fer me to know and not fer yer to find out... never mind... dun wanna yer to leave.. but if yer have to... den leave.. yupp... if you have to go den it means dat you have to go.. like me ... i may even go meh meh land...
~ seeshhh~ forget it la... i'll stop whining...


talking crap.. going to my mummiee's place to bake!!! yea!! bake loads and loads and loads and cookies... yupp.. so so so... gonna have fun baking...weeee.... yeah!! gonna bomb my papa's fone to wake her up.. .. hmmm... i dun have to... she's up!!yeah!!! mummiee you are the besta mummiee i have... will not change you fer anything!!! yupp....

going to "pong pong" soon... so will be smelling good la [ i still smell good now] .. it's a habit to bathe ma.. yupp...

name four bad habits you have:
- sleeping late
- running out of late at night
- stoning
- dazing off


name four things that you wish you had:
- a very clever brain
- a big bed
- more stuffies tad interest me
- my own house


name four scents you love:
- white musk
- pleasure
- tommy girl
- hugo boss dark blue


name four people that know you the best:
- mummiee
- papa
- my phone
- my xiao bai


name two things you'd never wear:
- green shirt/pants
- baggy baggy pants

name four things you are thinking about now:
- how to reorganise my room
- how am i feeling now...?? towards..?
- schoolwork.. holiday homeworks..
- how to kill someppl now!!!


name four things that you have done today:
- sleeping
- drinking
- watched tv
- talking on the phone


name the last two things you have bought:
- rojak fer papa
- pancake


name five drinks you regularly drink:
- h20
- sub pink
- vodka ribena
- alero vera apple
- triple vodka


first grade teacher name?
- cant remember.. really like it's a long time ago...


last words you said:
i duno wad to say..


last song you sang?
i've a dream - westlife

last person you hugged?
someone.


last thing you laughed at?
a very lame joke..

last time you said 'I Love You' and meant it?
yesterday.. to my mummiee


last time you cried?
26 december

what's in your CD player?
my recording of my piano pieces


what color socks are you wearing?
white!

what's under your bed?
baggiess

what time did you wake up today?
2 plus..

current taste?
taste wad???!!!??

current hair?
i duno. duno... gonna cut my hair.. due to school reopen..

current clothes?
my sec 3 class tee shirt and shorts..


current annoyance?
players.. and wad no strings attached crap.

current longing?
longing!! not to go to school!!

current desktop picture?
the 'i even dun think straight' wall paoer... like duh.. i'm not.

current worry?
going back to school..like cant tune my body-clock back to the normal timimg...

current hate?
h20

favorite physical feature of the opposite sex?
i'm a crook

last CD you bought?
sound track..

favorite place to be?
on the bartop dancing!! wid my mummiee and my other frens..

least favorite place?
dance floor when the music sucks.


time you wake up in the morning?
i duno wake up in morning cos i sleep in the morning.

if you could play an instrument?
i know how to play instruments..

favorite color?
black, baby pink, white.

do you believe in an afterlife?
i do.

how tall are you?
quite short. 156 cm..


current favorite word/saying?
" huh? , oh okay.. , hmmmm , i see"


favorite book?
inside out.

favorite season?
winter


one person from your past you wish you could go back and talk to:
i duno!


favorite day?
friday.. yeah!!


where would you like to go?
clubbing!! cos school is reopening!!

what is your career going to be like?
i'm not sure!! at the moment!!

how many kids do you want?
how i know!!! not any!!

favorite car?
baby bmw or a e class mercedes

a random lyric:
i dont know what it is, that makes me feel like this, i dont know who you are, but you must be some kind of superstar.


identify some of the things surrounding your computer:
my handphone, calendar, my computer [ like duh] and phone charger!!

f**h!! i'm starting to hate myself now!!!

really really hate hate myself!!!!! so hateful bout myself....

damn damn!!! i really hate myself.. really...!!! wad no strings attached!! you cant

got scolded by my father yupp.. cos of being home late... and drinking beer and alcohol drink.. clubbing.. i spent lots of time clubbing, town'ing', spending time hanging out wid my peeps..

.:mummiee:. {always have a entry fer you in my post}
i miss yoo so so much!!! got miss me right..?? i bet you got.. but i miss you really loads... if yoo dun miss me.. i will cry.. ~cries~ hmmm... really gonna miss ya when school reopen... but i'll still go meet you after your school... so dun worry.. i will miss you so so much but i want to see ya too.. really... cant imagine you not in my life.. think without you n the rest my life will be blank..

school is going to reopen.. and wad the f***h i dun wanna go back to school... ~~waaahhh~~ wanna cry!!! due to many things... i hate my life! damn... play play.. play... i hate players!! trust me ... many ppl do hate players... not only me!!! so i like super pissed off.. damn.. damn.. mummiee you know wad i mean.. [ uz anna let it out] wad no strings attached??? please dun even try!!

ah... i'm like damn pissed wid things! cos school is reopening... stressed out!! mental breakdown..