i'm crying again. tearing like a tap. feel like the pain is sliting through my lifeline. i really feel like death is the last thing i can think now. but isnt it not my time to die yet. but i want to currently at the moment. wad's wrong with me..? damn i duno.

mummiee, papa,yeh yeh, daddiee,dee,keith thanks loads foer everything. the times where you all come on care for me and try yo make me laugh esp the one where yeh yeh shake her butt. very adorable. thanks loads. i will remember de. love you all loads.

okay. 3rd entry of the day. this proves that i'm really bored. auntie is still at my place. yupp. talking to my dad and i bathe again. that's like not me can. i duno bathe more than 3 times a day. and i am back to the self where i just stone.dun feel like cryin but a part of me wants to pour out. but it is unlike me to pour out.the fact is actually only myself would know why am i like that. but i duno even myself. that's really weird. finding a song to suit my mood now. but i cant find at all. damn retarded.

hmm. now tears are just flowing out.know wad?i finally can cry that shows that i'm quite human. interesting. but it stopped. i feel like a person without a soul or maybe my soul is lingering around but i cant find it.i keep on searching and looking. my auntie is here. gosh she is gonna talk to me. the last thing i need now is talking logic.i swear.

Why must we all conceal
What we think
How we feel
Must there be a secret me
I'm forced to hide

I am now
In a world where I
Have to hide my heart

- reflection by christina aguilera-

Nobody wants to be lonely
Nobody wants to cry
So bad it hurts inside

-nobady wants to be lonely by christina aguilera-

I'm so tired of being here,
Supressed by all my childish fears,

These wounds won't seem to heal,
This pain is just too real,
There's just too much that time cannot erase

- my immoratal by evanescence-

Lost in a dying world I reach for something more
I have grown so weary of this lie I live

- away from me by evanescence-

frankly speaking.i duno wad to type in my blog. :(
just duno why. i finally teared. -.-
all the things bottled in me i finally teared only one tear manage to roll down my cheek.one only.ask me wad happen.i duno at all. i duno why i feel really weird in me.it's true. when a heart is crying it really feels like dying.i said that i want to make my life a living stage hell.

where to start.? i want to vent my misery. i want to cut!but know wad i cant cos i hold my promise to my daddiee.

how to fix a broken heart.?i duno and i duno where to start.
i dun understand wad i'm going through.the pain will disappear in only a moment. den it's back to haunt me. am i ok? i duno. the pain seem so so real yet so illusional. -so far yet so far-

when will our prayers be answered?or do even prayers exsist fo someone to hear?
its the same when the agony in you bulids up.i'm not sad bout anyone. but bout my life. i duno why.

the pain is so real,
till the edge of my heart.
too real tad it just seem so close to death.
agony tad bulit in me,
no one knows.
so hard to run away
cos it haunts me everytime i try.
but silence is good cos it allows me to think.
aint running away anymore.
cos i'm too tired to try. :)

i today went shopping with my real father [cos i've a daddiee n a papa] went to buy pants and tops.my father is like asking me to buy this and but that as long i tlike.. but then i dun feel the joy of shopping and having new clothes.like wad the hell is wrong with me.? all i gave was that bittergourd face. when i smile?? when will i start to have a problem is that i dun have problems? when would i smile from within?

wo bu zi dao. soon i guess. :)

~~~you've to open your heart to see the truth inside~~~

it not that i want to pint point you at all... you shouldnt even bother bout it. i duno why you want to bother cos the more ppl bother the more things will become.. you know tat you were just so unreasonable tad i wan to SLAP you.. you duno how ppl feel... you yourself wanted to leave home and you gave loads of reasons... and she STOOD by your side... but LOOK at wad you said.. you promised that you WILL bring her home.. CAN YOU..???? i DOUBT it... you dun think that you talk logic so i will listen.. i WONT!!! cos your logic doesnt even sound logical enough to think the best for someone.. all you think is that she has to go home and she has to do this and do that... so the people who claim that CARES and LOVE her would be god damn worried... but have you thought about her in her shoes...??

WELL... let me tell you this... she did thought bout you and how you felt that i got scolded by her... BIG TIME!!! and i understood... but think.. did you...??? safely and i chop stamp... YOU DID NOT!!! so dun you think you very intelligent till like we all cant think for ourselves and like you are the only one on the right stand..

~opps~ did i just fall...?? nope... really clear bout it..

okay.. let's say bout you.. you want to leave home that time.. you screamed and yell at your mum... did you even think that she was f**king worried and was crying.. nope!!!!!! but you actually raised your voice till the whole great world can hear!!! and we all got bombed .. especially me!!! and we stood by you... did we give you out and reported that we will bring you back..?? HELLO!! -knocks into your brain- THINK!! we did not... and my mummiee even was there to hear you say you really cant take it.. and though i was really unhappy... i still allowed you to stay... i can dun by all my means.. you know that...

sometimes... when someone encounters a problem.. it's up to you to be a problem solver or a problem creator... and a sorry cant help much cos of the mess that we got to clear and the things we got to settle... and i guess you are just happily sleeping away in your lala land.. am i right..???? bet a million ... and we got to entertain harassing calls and listen bout law... and where you.??? dun say you will be here for me.. cos HELLO!!!! you like seem to pull the whole big fat world into a problem causing it to be a very super big one... and so big that it's just damn too hard to settle for us... isnt that trying to make life difficult for us and for yourself..?? - please think- cos you are with us and you will see our face with that damn black coat... especially me.... i can just screamed at you.. and you will feel very very very xin ku againn.. so i dun want you to be very very very the xin ku.. so ... dun make like difficult for us... please!!!

think you read this le.. will feel very pain... but this is the fact.. if i bottle it up and flare at you... you wouldnt want to feel the physical pain.. and emotional one too. so read this.. chill and THINK!!!! THINK!!! i want you to THINK!!!! REALLY REAL HARD!!

=+THINK HARD of THE CONSEQUENCES of ANY ACTIONS u TAKE!+=
ps:/ [ no hard feelings... :Z]

happi birthday papa!! lurve you!!
hmmm... dots dots dots.. enter!!! haas...

hmmm... this entry is gonna be really t**ty..

hees.. -squints- anyway... it's very very late and today is my papa's [64] birthday!! and i'm really really tired but i have decided to do my bloggiee first... ya..??? hees....

to my papa!! happi birthday!! must be so happi right..?? also dun have to work cos your off day to let you happy birthday... hees... papa.. lurvee you ... but i not bias one.. i love my mummiee too...


things seem so different and relationships get so though to maintain.. how i hope it was like the past... i duno how to spell it out or even say it out... i am wondering why am i like this now..?? so different and so weird... i duno... i'm even weird... my appetite is like damn horrible now... like ah!!! i've been eating alot alot alot... and when i mean alot.. i really mean it and it is like rah.... O.M.G can.. =Z -slaps myself really hard- and i'm amking sure that i wont eat so so much lah..

guess it is just hormones in me are totally not balance...!!

maybe that's why i'm so weird too.. balme it all on the hormones tad are creating a havoc inside me... - screams out loud- rah.... ahhh... and i think i have to apologise to someone..

that's nic...

hey did not mean to show ap to you one.. but you raised your voice and i was already pretty pist at stuff on... know you are really hard up inside.. come' on chill kies... give yourself time and think bout it.. guess all of us just really needs loads and loads of time... maybe me.. and maybe you.. dun you think so... i duno why you were lyk dat to me on the phone .. but i guess after talking to my mummiee you felt better.. i hope... wanted to invade your blog can.. -evil grin- but... dots dots... i dun think it will be good i guess.... but maybe i will hee... see first.. i did... yupp... i duno...how i wish that everything were back the same ya..?? dun you think so..?? isnt it better that way..??i hopw we can be.. things may be simpler this way... know you feel very xin ku.. but i'm sorrie.. i cant be perfect in any and everyway i am .. that me... yupp..


i feel so 'fish' up inside that i really duno wad to do or even react to things around me.. i seem to like slowly killing myself.. yupp... think i am like going to starve myself and dun eat much much.. know i say that loads and loads of times that i'm going too.. but i am really going too... mark my words... i WILL...

----< e feeling of starvation and pain brings e sadists' joy out in me..>----

if you would ask me.. if the world crumbles down... what am i gonna do..?? i duno... find my love one...?? or even if i know when is my last day... wad am i suppose to do..?? same answer... i duno... if i know that i'm dying.. wad will be my last wish..?? same answer... i duno... that's how bad life is ... but i dun really concentrated how bad life is. as there will be a spot where i can find that life is good and gracious to me... allthis questions really got me started off thinking.. cos thinking loads is my lifestyle...

~~ahhh~~ i wanted to type something... den i forgot... ~~ahhh~~ -knocks my hollow brain and yell- i really cant remember le... guess it was some quote i wanted to type it down...

*yawns* [ giving the half eyes close look] - want to sleep le- cos i'm running a temperature currenly at the moment... so yepp.. got to save energy for stuff...

today i threw away the 25 stars i made.. regret is regret.. cos i took time and effort to do it.. but since i threw it i wont pick it back and if i want to do.. i will re-do it and give it ... yupp... duno what went through my mind at the moment. i was fuming can... -cries- really ought to slap myself... -[ heart + pain = heartache ]-

yaya... dots dots dots... enter.. end of entry le... very tired...

hees.. i am so so tired now...

keep on sneezing... yupp... duno why.. hees... hees..

hmm... like finally!!! i can do my bloggie.. cos actually i type an entry at keith place den.. ... ... i publish it den .. ... ... the page cant be refreshed... like wad the t**t..!! fish can!! cant scold vuglar... hees... my mummiee will scold de.. yupp..

anyway.. today right... i did like something that i din expect me to do..!! but eveything has an beginning has an end.. that is wad keith say and i agree.. nothing last forever.. and i am really sorry that i cannot be perfect.. i can say that i'm half irritated and half like unhappy too. i duno why la...


my mummie [07] and my daddiee [eL_73] invaded my blog.. ~waahhhh~ no lah..they want to type in a post so i allowed them too... hees... -shy le.. blushing- mummiee... i love you too!!!! i love my mummiee, papa and my daddiee... and dee too... i lurrrvvvvvveeeeeeeeen them so so much can...

and bout the gut feeling thing.. i am so so right.. something bad did happen... and i allowed it to happen.. did i do something wrong or wad..?? i duno... all i did is that i followed my heart... hees...

anyway.. the whole world knows bout it le.. yupp... haiyo.. why like dat...!!! why.. why.. tell me why..!!! and tell you something.. my bao bei the computer got shifted away.. ahhh...sorry lehz.. really sorry...!!!! super sorry!!!! now i feel damn bad... gee... ahh... type wong thing and my papa is lying on the floor laughing.. it's our little secret so i am not going to tell you... guess la... yuppp.... haas....

yuppie... i duno le... think that things are bound to happen again!!! fish!!!

anyway.... to my papa.... yuppz... i know that you really love mummiee alot.. know you treat her well too..things will work out one... so dun worry can... everything will work out... cos my mummiee is with you always now.. cos you all ... all.. you konw la.. hees.. we can work all the living stuffiee out.. nothing can beat the blacks de...

to my mummiee... you very lucky.. got someone that loves you so so much and that 'da ONE' = my papa... yuppz... can see that she cares for you alot.. ALOT.. so dun think you are not worth it... thanks for knocking senses into my brain... yupp.. if not... i duno... i think i will be messed up... still... STILL....

to my daddiee.. hees... thingsmaybe like my situation now.. but hor.. you can make it one.. cos you are my daddiee one.. yupp.. you are my daddiee... so you must cheer up kies.. as i say that you got lotsa charm de... yupp... that i want to see you smile from the within of you... so ya.. must be happy...

to keith.. ' everything has a begining has an end..' and ' the end is just the begining of a new begining' i totally believe it can... like totally.. yupp.. you girl.. take care of your new injuries and the old one too.. dun let them hurt like crazy kies.. keep it clean and dun let it get wet.. if not... - screams- *slaps* your wounds will get infected de... den pain pain le.. get it.. dun get yourself drunk kies.. anymore. you PROMISED me that you are not going too anymore... yupp... and you PROMISED me something else... you know.. the playing... yupp... must remember.. -squints at you- if not i will get really really mad at you!!!